My Funny Valentine

Ahhhh, Valentine's Day. A day for couples to celebrate their love for one another and specifically for men to show their adoration for the women they love with romantic plans of flowers, candles, and wine.

Little did I know that Sam had made festive dinner plans for Valentine's Day...kind of.

I spent Valentine's morning working like an illegal migrant male laborer cleaning my dad's "garden." This is no typical old man garden. It's 10,000 square feet of vegetable bliss in the summer, but this particular morning, it had weeds the size and strength of small trees seven feet tall from barb to barb. My task was to mow it. Any other farmer would brushhog it; I, however, had to knock it out in 32-degree weather with a John Deere push mower. My back muscles are still achy days later.

I finally finished "gardening" and doing yard work at 2pm. I walked into the house and Sam asked me if we had any plans for the evening. I gave him a look that implied, "well, this is a commercial holiday for YOU to make plans, not me," and I said, "I don't know. Do we?"

"My mother would like to have us over for dinner at 6:30."

Seriously? I giggled. For as loving as Sam is, he does not have an ounce of romance in him. For our one-year anniversary, he gave me a vaccum. He has also promised to buy me a new toilet for my birthday or some other gift-giving occasion.

Some people have in-laws, but not me... My most clever friend, Maura, calls Don and Sammye my sin-laws because Sam and I love, live and fight like we're married and we share the same living space.. in sin.

We spend a lot of time with my sin-laws. They are some of the most wonderful, graceful and warm people I've ever met and I admire them in countless ways. Plus, his mother is a classically trained French chef, so any time she offers to cook-- lovers' holiday or otherwise-- is good for me.

We started the evening with good wine, great cheese, and exceptional conversation as his mom prepared the meal. It was almost like any other dinner we have when they host. Almost.

Sammye is a divine hostess and always decorates the table to suit the occasion. She had created a beautiful tablescape for Valentine's Day with elegant flowers, red heart adornments and white candles in cut crystal holders. So I was having a candlelight dinner on Valentine's Day. With Sam's parents. Not bad at all!

Here's where it gets.... different.

The steaks were ready and we headed to the table to eat like we did any other time we ate dinner there. Almost.

Sammye dimmed the dining room lights down low. Realllllly low. The small flames of the candles flickered like thousand-watt light bulbs, casting giant shadows of us against the wall. This was ambiance like I'd never experienced it there before.

I was looking around a bit puzzled from the mood lighting and a little giggly from the cabernet when Sam turned a slightly funny but beautiful dinner into a HILARIOUS night.

The stereo had been playing upbeat tunes from the 70's. He turned the volume up a little bit and changed the station. 'Is that what I think I think it is?' I thought to myself. Surrrrely not.

Sure enough, the slow melodious seduction of Luther Vandross ensued, followed by Lionel Richie, Etta James and their lascivious, procreation-encouraging counterparts. I was dining with my sin-laws on Valentine's day with candlelight and SEX MUSIC.

Apparently no one seemed to find it ridiculously amusing but me. I was polite and gracious, thanked them for a wonderful evening, and then burst into a fit of church giggles as soon as the car door latched shut.

Sweet, sweet Sam. I not only got flowers, an incredibly sweet tear-inducing card, and a MommyDearest-no-hangers-kind-of-clean house, but what might be the most memorable Valentine's Day dinner of my life.