10 Rules for a Successful Marriage

As a 4 1/2 month veteran of marriage, I've created my top 10 rules for a successful marriage since I clearly know all the answers by now .

I received a list from someone else that centered around love, kindness, patience, patience, and patience; those are wise, but ring true for successful parenting to me. Automatically creating my own revisions to that list as I read it, my first thought was, "10 rules? You only need one: don't be an @$$hole." That pretty much covers all ground, at least for this newlywed, but to break it down in no specific order:

1. Bite your tongue.
2. Seriously, bite your tongue.
3. Remove "I told you so" from your vocabulary.
• This includes all non-verbal gestures, eyebrow raising, teeth clenching, head shaking, muttering under one's breath, and recounting details to your friends while your spouse/partner is within earshot, usually unknowingly. And usually while you think you're being sly and quiet.
4. Love big. Mean it.
   
5. Communicate.
• Trick rule! Men communicate issues in 10 words or less. Women communicate the same issues in 10-60 minute intervals. Repeated times. And then maybe revisit the issue. Repeatedly.
6. Don't be literal.
• "Sure, it's fine if you go out again." "No, you don't need to call when your flight lands." "I don't want anything but flooring materials for my birthday." Ignore all of these grand gestures of minimalism and self-sacrifice and ask yourself what behavior you would expect in reverse situations. Stay home. Call. Buy something special.
  
7. Remember why you picked your spouse in the first place.
• It can be easy to forget when he/she forgets to take out the trash, the cell phone service gets turned off, you rack up 10X the cost of a product in late fees, etc.
8. Always live up to your word.
• Don't skip taking out the trash, mailing the bill when you said you would, or returning the movie you forgot to return FIVE WEEKS AGO, even though you swore you did 4 weeks and 5 days ago and can't explain the late fees drawing from your checking account.
  
9. Relax!
• Maybe your spare change did disappear into thin air. Maybe the dogs did sprout opposable thumbs and leave the door unlocked all night long. Maybe someone did break in to your house with no motive other than to turn the ice maker off. And just maybe the $15 you put in the gas can for the lawnmower last week did mysteriously disappear because it has an undetectable hole in it. Bottom line: does it really matter? Breathe. And relax!
10. Your partner comes first. Everything and everyone else is second, including you.

I'll revisit these self-proclaimed rules in a year to determine whether I've learned to behave better or not. I'm hoping so for the sake of my sweet, even-tempered, patient husband although he knew my mantra when he married me 4 1/2 months ago. As the legend Mae West knew well before society and Chelsea Handler made it common: well behaved women rarely make history.